Post by conansf on Jun 1, 2011 16:57:46 GMT -8
Summary: This takes place some weeks after the events of the second movie. For the trivia buffs, Arden Masterton was Richmond's assistant in The Night of the Avaricious Actuary.
The Night of the Happy Ever After
Artemus Gordon, late of the US Secret Service (retired and this time he meant it) idly played with his coffee cup as he waited for James West (also retired and also meaning it, this time) to come down to breakfast.
The hotel they were staying at was nice enough but Artie had more on his mind than his surroundings.
Both ex-agents had ended up in southern Nevada, near the little settlement of Groom Lake.
They had seen to the stowage of their highly unusual mode of transport, a type of advanced motorised balloon, which they had acquired on their last (definitely last!) mission. It had taken several weeks to get the balloon to the government facility near Groom Lake, as Artemus and James had taken a “roundabout” route with their new toy or rather, new toys. Artie smiled at the memory; Daphne and Yvonne had proven to be delightful companions while the agents had toured the Grand Canyon and other sights in their balloon.
Artemus had then seen to it that the girls’ future was on the straight and narrow. He had introduced them as a sister act to several theatrical agents he knew. They had been snapped up within days.
So James and he had dropped off the balloon to the scientists and were now contemplating the future but not without trepidation on Artie’s part.
James, he knew would go back to his family life in Mexico. Jim had been busy writing letters and sending them off every chance he got and from those he got back, it seemed that Juanita had settled down and the rest of James’s very extended family had gratefully come back, to once again run his extensive holdings.
The first time Artie had retired he had gone back to his first love, the stage. The second time he had retired he had written plays, directed, acted and run his own small theatre troupe. Now however, he was feeling jaded. Been there, done that.
There was sudden clatter as James rushed through the door, brandishing a package. “It’s arrived!’ he chortled, flinging himself down in the chair opposite.
“Good morning to you too, James. You’ve been out already? I thought you were still in bed.”
“Good morning, Artie and yes, I caught the mail as it was delivered straight off the train. I was waiting for this.”
“Must be good.”
“The best, “James looked around, they were the only ones in the small hotel restaurant. He smiled and opened the package with a flourish. “Artie, I have a proposition for you.”
Artemus looked alarmed “That better not be from Skinny, offering us another job!”
James laughed “No, much better. I want you write your memoirs like you’ve been threatening to do forever and I want you to do it, here.” With that, James laid a deed packet down in front of Artie. Artemus opened it with hands that shook just a little. It was a title to a hacienda and small acreage. Artie looked at Jim.
James took a breath “It’s the original hacienda for my property, before the larger complex was built nearer the road. It’s small and had fallen into disrepair and I wasn’t going to do anything with it, as you have to reach it by a private road on my land but I’ve had an army of labourers in there for the last few weeks, making it liveable.”
“Jim, this is too generous…”
James reached out and took Artie’s hand, shocking him into silence “I want my brother for my neighbour, that’s just me being selfish. Besides, I live with five women. I am seriously outnumbered without your back-up, partner.”
“Oh, well, when you put it like that…” Artie stopped, his voice completely choked.
James waved the waiter over to order breakfast, along with champagne, to celebrate.
************************
Three months later Artemus pulled his one horse gig up in Jim’s courtyard and jumped out, tossing the reins to the smiling servant that hurried forward to meet him. “Morning Luis! Has the lunch bell gone? I got a bit caught up in a chapter!”
“No, Senor Gordon, I was just about to call the family.”
“Excellent, I am looking forward to ……”
At that moment the gatekeeper called that a large carriage was approaching. Luis ran into the house to appear moments later with Jim, who greeted Artie but looked puzzled as to their imminent visitors. Artemus noticed him discreetly signal for more guards to be on alert.
The coach arrived and the driver called to the gatekeeper for permission to enter the yard. It pulled up and Jim opened the door. With a rustle of silk, a lady smiled at the two men as she descended, Artemus having automatically taken her hand to help her alight. He found himself still holding it as recognition dawned. “By my sainted Great Aunt Maude, it’s Arden Masterton!”
She laughed “Greetings from Washington, gentlemen. I’m your courier, from Director Malone.”
“You mean he actually agreed to release the files?”
“Just some files. He also said something about ‘…worth it to keep you out of trouble’.”
Artemus smiled “I always try to keep out of trouble! I must say, I like his choice of courier.”
“Ah, yes.” Arden smoothed her dress and took a deep breath “That’s the other thing.” She looked at Artemus. “I would like to apply for the position of your secretary. Effective immediately. You’re going to need one.” She indicated where Jim’s men were unloading boxes upon boxes, upon more boxes.
Artemus looked at them with growing dismay. “You are so hired.”
Jim laughed out loud “You are just in time for lunch. Come, I’ll show you where to clean up.”
************************
Sounds of gunfire echoed across the ravine.
Artemus and James were firing shotguns at floating target balloons, tethered on the opposite side of the ravine. The object of the contest was to fire and grab reloaded guns in the shortest possible time. It was as much a drill for the men of the farm, as it was good practice to keep the ex-agents skills’ sharp. Suddenly Artie realised that he was down to his last load, just then Arden tossed him another gun and Artie caught it and fired, all in one movement. The last target balloon disintegrated.
“Great shooting, Artie!” Jim clapped him on the back, laughing with delight. “I thought I had you for sure. I was positive you had no time to reload!”
“I had a great gunnery officer.” laughed Artie, capturing Arden’s hand and kissing her fingers before turning back to James. Arden clutched that hand to her chest and smiled at Artemus just as he turned.
Jim saw that smile and thought “Uh, oh.”
“Colonel Richmond insisted that even assistants learn how to handle guns.” explained Arden, a little breathlessly.
“Very wise. Did he show you how to handle a pistol?”
“Oh, a hand gun, like yours? Oh, my.” Arden widened her eyes.
“Here, let me show you,” Artie drew his gun from his holster. “Now, hold it in both hands to steady it,” He put his arm around her “Pull back the trigger with one hand, that’s it…”
Arden suddenly straightened, planted her feet and sighting quickly, fired off six rapid shots, fanning the trigger expertly. She then aimed a wicked grin at the two stunned men. Jim doubled over laughing so hard, he wheezed.
Artie took the joke that was definitely on him and laughed too, picking Arden up and spinning her round in a careless hug. “Didn’t I say I had a great gunnery officer? Didn’t I?”
************************
Later that afternoon Arden was just placing the last of the shotguns in the rack when she heard the door close behind her.
Instead of Artemus, she saw it was Jim. He rested his shoulders against the door and folded his arms. His green gaze was very direct and she felt her cheeks warm.
He started without preamble “I’ve seen how you look at Artemus. Have you told him?
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Except that you love him, very much.”
Arden turned away and plumped a cushion with considerably more force than necessary, ending by throwing it across the room
“What? Has he said or done anything…..”
“No! He’s been a perfect gentleman!”
It was almost a wail and James fought to keep a smile off his face. He turned one palm up “So that’s the problem. Ah, well, you are his secretary. Artie is not the sort of man to take advantage of your position.”
Arden’s shoulders slumped “I didn’t think that idea through, did I?”
She sounded so woebegone that Jim straightened from the door and gently turning her toward him; took her hand. Seating her on the couch, he sat beside her. “I did wonder how you came to be the courier.”
“I left the service when Colonel Richmond retired. I have a small inheritance to live off. But I kept in touch with other girls still at the bureau and found out about your adventures. I’d followed Artemus’ career, even seeing him perform,” Arden paused with a dreamy smile, then sighed and continued “When I heard they needed a courier, I went to Director Malone and begged to be allowed to volunteer for the job as a one-off.”
Jim patted her hand, “It seems to be a failing amongst my sex that we have to be shown what is right under our noses. My brother has been alone too long. I have an idea….”
************************
Artemus stretched his legs out, sighing with contentment. An excellent dinner, brandy and cigar in hand, with his best friend seated beside him in a matching armchair, on the veranda of Jim’s hacienda, on a beautiful Mexican night. Who could ask for more? His contemplation was only slightly disturbed when Jim began speaking.
“Beautiful girl, Arden. Prime of life but looks ten years younger. Broadminded too, gets on famously with the Girls.”
Aware that Artie had gone very still beside him, Jim continued, “Hmmm, I need to go into the city for a week, mind if I “borrow” your secretary?”
There was a frozen silence, then James heard a soft whisper “Jim. Please don’t.”
“Why ever not?” Jim began innocently, as he shifted to face Artemus. He could have gone on but at the sight of his partner’s stricken face, he saw that the ploy had worked. “Relax, Artie. I just said that to make you see what everyone else has known for the last three months.”
Artemus looked stunned.
Jim snorted “She wouldn’t accept such an invitation from me. There’s only one ex-agent she has eyes for.”
Artie found his voice “You…..you….!” he honestly didn’t know if he wanted to hit Jim or kiss him.
Jim held both hands out, palms up “What are you waiting for, pal?!”
Artemus left with alacrity. Jim sat back and chuckled, the Girls would enjoy organising a wedding. He started up at a sudden chilling thought; he hoped it wouldn’t give any of them ideas….
**
The Night of the Happy Ever After
Artemus Gordon, late of the US Secret Service (retired and this time he meant it) idly played with his coffee cup as he waited for James West (also retired and also meaning it, this time) to come down to breakfast.
The hotel they were staying at was nice enough but Artie had more on his mind than his surroundings.
Both ex-agents had ended up in southern Nevada, near the little settlement of Groom Lake.
They had seen to the stowage of their highly unusual mode of transport, a type of advanced motorised balloon, which they had acquired on their last (definitely last!) mission. It had taken several weeks to get the balloon to the government facility near Groom Lake, as Artemus and James had taken a “roundabout” route with their new toy or rather, new toys. Artie smiled at the memory; Daphne and Yvonne had proven to be delightful companions while the agents had toured the Grand Canyon and other sights in their balloon.
Artemus had then seen to it that the girls’ future was on the straight and narrow. He had introduced them as a sister act to several theatrical agents he knew. They had been snapped up within days.
So James and he had dropped off the balloon to the scientists and were now contemplating the future but not without trepidation on Artie’s part.
James, he knew would go back to his family life in Mexico. Jim had been busy writing letters and sending them off every chance he got and from those he got back, it seemed that Juanita had settled down and the rest of James’s very extended family had gratefully come back, to once again run his extensive holdings.
The first time Artie had retired he had gone back to his first love, the stage. The second time he had retired he had written plays, directed, acted and run his own small theatre troupe. Now however, he was feeling jaded. Been there, done that.
There was sudden clatter as James rushed through the door, brandishing a package. “It’s arrived!’ he chortled, flinging himself down in the chair opposite.
“Good morning to you too, James. You’ve been out already? I thought you were still in bed.”
“Good morning, Artie and yes, I caught the mail as it was delivered straight off the train. I was waiting for this.”
“Must be good.”
“The best, “James looked around, they were the only ones in the small hotel restaurant. He smiled and opened the package with a flourish. “Artie, I have a proposition for you.”
Artemus looked alarmed “That better not be from Skinny, offering us another job!”
James laughed “No, much better. I want you write your memoirs like you’ve been threatening to do forever and I want you to do it, here.” With that, James laid a deed packet down in front of Artie. Artemus opened it with hands that shook just a little. It was a title to a hacienda and small acreage. Artie looked at Jim.
James took a breath “It’s the original hacienda for my property, before the larger complex was built nearer the road. It’s small and had fallen into disrepair and I wasn’t going to do anything with it, as you have to reach it by a private road on my land but I’ve had an army of labourers in there for the last few weeks, making it liveable.”
“Jim, this is too generous…”
James reached out and took Artie’s hand, shocking him into silence “I want my brother for my neighbour, that’s just me being selfish. Besides, I live with five women. I am seriously outnumbered without your back-up, partner.”
“Oh, well, when you put it like that…” Artie stopped, his voice completely choked.
James waved the waiter over to order breakfast, along with champagne, to celebrate.
************************
Three months later Artemus pulled his one horse gig up in Jim’s courtyard and jumped out, tossing the reins to the smiling servant that hurried forward to meet him. “Morning Luis! Has the lunch bell gone? I got a bit caught up in a chapter!”
“No, Senor Gordon, I was just about to call the family.”
“Excellent, I am looking forward to ……”
At that moment the gatekeeper called that a large carriage was approaching. Luis ran into the house to appear moments later with Jim, who greeted Artie but looked puzzled as to their imminent visitors. Artemus noticed him discreetly signal for more guards to be on alert.
The coach arrived and the driver called to the gatekeeper for permission to enter the yard. It pulled up and Jim opened the door. With a rustle of silk, a lady smiled at the two men as she descended, Artemus having automatically taken her hand to help her alight. He found himself still holding it as recognition dawned. “By my sainted Great Aunt Maude, it’s Arden Masterton!”
She laughed “Greetings from Washington, gentlemen. I’m your courier, from Director Malone.”
“You mean he actually agreed to release the files?”
“Just some files. He also said something about ‘…worth it to keep you out of trouble’.”
Artemus smiled “I always try to keep out of trouble! I must say, I like his choice of courier.”
“Ah, yes.” Arden smoothed her dress and took a deep breath “That’s the other thing.” She looked at Artemus. “I would like to apply for the position of your secretary. Effective immediately. You’re going to need one.” She indicated where Jim’s men were unloading boxes upon boxes, upon more boxes.
Artemus looked at them with growing dismay. “You are so hired.”
Jim laughed out loud “You are just in time for lunch. Come, I’ll show you where to clean up.”
************************
Sounds of gunfire echoed across the ravine.
Artemus and James were firing shotguns at floating target balloons, tethered on the opposite side of the ravine. The object of the contest was to fire and grab reloaded guns in the shortest possible time. It was as much a drill for the men of the farm, as it was good practice to keep the ex-agents skills’ sharp. Suddenly Artie realised that he was down to his last load, just then Arden tossed him another gun and Artie caught it and fired, all in one movement. The last target balloon disintegrated.
“Great shooting, Artie!” Jim clapped him on the back, laughing with delight. “I thought I had you for sure. I was positive you had no time to reload!”
“I had a great gunnery officer.” laughed Artie, capturing Arden’s hand and kissing her fingers before turning back to James. Arden clutched that hand to her chest and smiled at Artemus just as he turned.
Jim saw that smile and thought “Uh, oh.”
“Colonel Richmond insisted that even assistants learn how to handle guns.” explained Arden, a little breathlessly.
“Very wise. Did he show you how to handle a pistol?”
“Oh, a hand gun, like yours? Oh, my.” Arden widened her eyes.
“Here, let me show you,” Artie drew his gun from his holster. “Now, hold it in both hands to steady it,” He put his arm around her “Pull back the trigger with one hand, that’s it…”
Arden suddenly straightened, planted her feet and sighting quickly, fired off six rapid shots, fanning the trigger expertly. She then aimed a wicked grin at the two stunned men. Jim doubled over laughing so hard, he wheezed.
Artie took the joke that was definitely on him and laughed too, picking Arden up and spinning her round in a careless hug. “Didn’t I say I had a great gunnery officer? Didn’t I?”
************************
Later that afternoon Arden was just placing the last of the shotguns in the rack when she heard the door close behind her.
Instead of Artemus, she saw it was Jim. He rested his shoulders against the door and folded his arms. His green gaze was very direct and she felt her cheeks warm.
He started without preamble “I’ve seen how you look at Artemus. Have you told him?
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Except that you love him, very much.”
Arden turned away and plumped a cushion with considerably more force than necessary, ending by throwing it across the room
“What? Has he said or done anything…..”
“No! He’s been a perfect gentleman!”
It was almost a wail and James fought to keep a smile off his face. He turned one palm up “So that’s the problem. Ah, well, you are his secretary. Artie is not the sort of man to take advantage of your position.”
Arden’s shoulders slumped “I didn’t think that idea through, did I?”
She sounded so woebegone that Jim straightened from the door and gently turning her toward him; took her hand. Seating her on the couch, he sat beside her. “I did wonder how you came to be the courier.”
“I left the service when Colonel Richmond retired. I have a small inheritance to live off. But I kept in touch with other girls still at the bureau and found out about your adventures. I’d followed Artemus’ career, even seeing him perform,” Arden paused with a dreamy smile, then sighed and continued “When I heard they needed a courier, I went to Director Malone and begged to be allowed to volunteer for the job as a one-off.”
Jim patted her hand, “It seems to be a failing amongst my sex that we have to be shown what is right under our noses. My brother has been alone too long. I have an idea….”
************************
Artemus stretched his legs out, sighing with contentment. An excellent dinner, brandy and cigar in hand, with his best friend seated beside him in a matching armchair, on the veranda of Jim’s hacienda, on a beautiful Mexican night. Who could ask for more? His contemplation was only slightly disturbed when Jim began speaking.
“Beautiful girl, Arden. Prime of life but looks ten years younger. Broadminded too, gets on famously with the Girls.”
Aware that Artie had gone very still beside him, Jim continued, “Hmmm, I need to go into the city for a week, mind if I “borrow” your secretary?”
There was a frozen silence, then James heard a soft whisper “Jim. Please don’t.”
“Why ever not?” Jim began innocently, as he shifted to face Artemus. He could have gone on but at the sight of his partner’s stricken face, he saw that the ploy had worked. “Relax, Artie. I just said that to make you see what everyone else has known for the last three months.”
Artemus looked stunned.
Jim snorted “She wouldn’t accept such an invitation from me. There’s only one ex-agent she has eyes for.”
Artie found his voice “You…..you….!” he honestly didn’t know if he wanted to hit Jim or kiss him.
Jim held both hands out, palms up “What are you waiting for, pal?!”
Artemus left with alacrity. Jim sat back and chuckled, the Girls would enjoy organising a wedding. He started up at a sudden chilling thought; he hoped it wouldn’t give any of them ideas….
**